One Gorilla Vs. 100 Men. Who You Got?
By Cody McClure
Who cares about the NBA Playoffs and the NFL Draft — there’s a much more important topic being discussed after this past weekend.
One gorilla. 100 men. Who wins?
It’s all over the internet right now. And it’s divisive. It’s polarizing.
As humans, we all want to believe we can do it. We think we can strategize a way to take him down. People are talking themselves into it. I mean, look at what all man has accomplished. We’ve built rockets. We’ve built cities.
We maybe built the pyramids. We can fight a gorilla and win, right?
But sometimes nature is just nature. Sometimes you’re just not good enough.
Sometimes you’re taking the field against the ‘27 Yankees. The ‘85 Bears. The ‘96 Bulls. The Silverback Gorilla.
I’m of the opinion that that would be the case if 100 of us encountered this majestic beast.
And it doesn’t matter which 100 of us it is. Some people have tried to say, “oh but what if it was 100 Navy Seals” or “oh but what if it was 100 UFC fighters” … It doesn’t matter.
Take any 100 you want. We’re losing. Maybe the athletes of our species would last a little longer than if we threw 100 band nerds out there, but again, ultimately it doesn’t matter.
After doing much detailed research on the matter (reading tweets), I have come to the conclusion that man simply is not good enough.
The sheer power of the silverback is immense. Our takedowns would be thwarted with ease. Our punches wouldn’t land, and even when they did, he wouldn’t even feel them.
We really think 100 dudes fresh out of the recliner from eating chips and guac and playing MLB The Show are going to be ready for this?
The gorilla LIVES IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE.
A couple of necks bitten through and arms ripped off and then morale immediately becomes a concern.
This generation isn’t tough enough. Our grandfathers and great grandfathers were tougher. They could overcome some of the morale questions, but ultimately they would perish too.
The gorilla would swat and claw and gnash each of us one by one, killing most, and leaving the rest of us to be carried to the hospital.
And when we would think it was time to get cute and strategize a plan to attack each leg 10 men at a time, his sheer power would still overwhelm us.
The brutality would be shocking. This guy is out here to survive while we’d all be trying to figure out the Wi-Fi password so we could fire some TikToks off from the battle.
Blood and guts all about.
Unless we’re equipped with a tank or some heavy guns and machinery, the gorilla is winning the battle each and every time. And it’s not close. He’d win by a landslide every time. We wouldn’t even have a prayer.
It would be like the 2001 Miami Hurricanes against Rutgers. Look it up.
Manpower simply isn’t enough. It’s never been enough to beat one of the jungle’s most powerful animals, and it never will be.
I’m just hoping there’s a way we could actually make this happen. Like maybe we just take 100 inmates on death row and set them up at the zoo or perhaps a basketball arena.
Is that the plot of Gladiator?
And we all just sit back and watch the gorilla work. A live audience with concessions and beer and all the perks of a live event. VIP passes and such.
Just thousands of onlookers scarfing down corndogs as their fellow men are having their ribcages pulled apart and their legs severed one at a time.
“Honey, look at how the gorilla goes right for the testicles to show his dominance … oh HEY WE’RE ON THE KISS CAM!”
Plus we’ll stream it on Netflix with commercials built in on a split screen so you don’t miss any of the action. Bud Light will be all over this shit.
Imagine reality setting in as the first guy gets impaled in the chest and suffocates with a collapsed lung and all the other men start crying.
It would truly be something to see.