CODY’S ‘FIVE THINGS I’M LOOKING AT’ WEEK 3
The greatest comedian who ever lived. Credit: The Spokesman-Review.
By Cody McClure
George Carlin once said, “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
Well, last week I said Michigan vs. Texas would be a “classic” college football game. Texas won 31-12. I also said Kentucky would roll South Carolina. South Carolina won 31-6.
Though I may be dull-witted in general, I got a couple things right too.
Arkansas gave Oklahoma State a hell of a game before losing in typical Pigs fashion. Nebraska hammered Colorado in front of a national audience. And most importantly, Tennessee stroked NC State in Charlotte.
Here are five things I’m looking at in Week 3.
Spoiler alert: it’s a weak slate! :(
5. Arizona at Kansas State Friday night. Two ranked teams!
Do I know a lot about these teams? Of course not. Am I actually that interested in this game? No. But will I watch it? No.
The thing is, there’s not a ton of good games this weekend but this is one of two ranked matchups. I really would like to watch if it was on Saturday but it’s Friday night.
Usually I am driving Uber on Friday nights. Last Friday, a college girl threw up all over my backseat. It appeared to be the remnants of some sort of chicken pasta and perhaps even a kale salad. Gross.
The car is clean now but there’s still a faint stench of vomit. Does this ever go away? I’ve read that baking soda will get rid of it. Someone else told me to use vinegar. Do you mix them? Doesn’t that cause an explosion? Fuck if I know.
Vomit emoji. Credit: the internet.
Both of these teams looked lowkey bad last week. Arizona had a struggle game vs. Northern Arizona while K-State had to squeak by Tulane. Bill Snyder would be rolling over in his grave.*
Still, these teams are apparently capable of scoring points, so it could be a fun shootout. It is also now a Big 12 conference game. Let’s hope for lots of points.
*Edit: Bill Snyder is still alive. But he was born in 1939 so time is probably ticking.
4. The other matchup between ranked teams this week
Boston College travels to Missouri for a must-watch 12:45 p.m. ET game on the SEC Network. You know it’s a big one when Dave Neal is on the call.
I don’t know if Dave Neal is actually on the call, but it seems like he would be. I’m not looking it up.
Broadcaster Dave Neal (right) and another guy (left). Credit: Eye On Sports Media.
BC is No. 24 in the country after launching their season with a dominant win at Florida State and then shutting out Duquesne. Toledo couldn’t even do that. They only won 49-10 vs. Duquesne. So Ohio.
Anyway, so BC is 24th and Mizzou is No. 6. The sixth-best team in the country… Missouri… really. Between me and you, I think Mizzou being ranked 6th is total horseshit. There’s no way that only five teams are better than Mizzou.
But hey, weak schedule, last year’s success, a couple good players… whatever. I’m ready for them to get beat. Mizzou has really climbed up my list lately of teams that I want to lose. And that’s the only reason I’m intrigued by this one.
I’m just hoping Missouri loses to Boston College. It’s an opportunity for Tennessee to climb, and I want to see us in the top five. It doesn’t really matter. It will all sort itself out. But I want to be in that club.
I also really wish we had the opportunity to put the “Belt 2 Ass” to Missouri ourselves this year. GBOVFL.
3. Are the Oregon Ducks going down in Corvallis?
Sticking with the theme of the top college football teams losing, Oregon going down would only help the Vols. Is an upset brewing? I wouldn’t rule it out.
I was disappointed to see that this is a 16.5-point line in favor of the Ducks. That doesn’t make it seem like anyone is going to pick the Beavers to pull it off. So I will.
Oregon State gives Oregon an L Saturday. You read it here first. It’s on the road, and anything can happen in rivalry games. Oregon has been flirting with disaster the first two weeks of the season, and this is where it all comes crashing down.
Back in the day, this game was called the Civil War. That’s how much hate these in-state rivals have for one another.
They agreed to stop referring to the game as the Civil War in 2020 because of the woke mind virus, some would say. Others would say it was justified. Depends on what side you’re on, I guess, but I don’t get political anymore.
A political cartoon. Credit: Philadelphia Inquirer.
Last time I got political, I asked a bunch of frat guys what they thought about the war in Ukraine and they looked at me like I had three heads.
How about that debate last night though, huh? “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the cats!”
“We must all recognize the power of words and symbolism associated with the Civil War,” Oregon athletic director Rob Mullens said at the time.
I like to imagine a Civil War soldier reading these quotes in a newspaper. “What the hell is this shit? I won’t be watching college football anymore!”
2. Can the losers from Florida rebound against the losers from A&M?
I covered this in the first article of the year. Florida sucks. A&M sucks. We get it. But somebody will be feeling good after this weekend.
Either the Gators or the Aggies will feel like they’re turning things around. And that’s beautiful to me. Keeps them hanging on before ultimately deflating with disappointment again.
It’s a 3:30 p.m. ET kick in Gainesville. We can all collectively watch it on ABC. Obviously A&M is in better shape than Florida even with the loss to Notre Dame to start the year. The Aggies are a 4-point favorite in the swamp (do not capitalize).
I believe the game will be close. Sun Belt Billy has to have at least a couple more in him, especially with the juice of a somewhat talented new quarterback. I’m pulling for Billy to cover in this one, and I’ll tell you why.
Why: I want the Tennessee game to be when Billy gets fired. I’m afraid Florida will pull the plug as early as this week if it gets ugly against A&M like it did vs. Miami. You can’t justify continually getting whooped at home.
Now I don’t want Florida to win, because then there’s a good chance they would come into Neyland at 4-1 with probable looming wins over Mississippi State and UCF. We need them to lose, but not get eviscerated.
Then Florida comes into Neyland at like 3-2. Decent record but still a joke. No quality wins. And then Tennessee wins 52-10 and that’s the last straw.
“wE gUt R asS bEaT In kNoXVilLe aNd i’M In tEaRs.”
#GetBillyFiredInKnox
Remember this old scoreboard? Those were the days. Credit: Getty Images.
1. After gaining weight over the summer, how will my walk on campus feel Saturday?
I’m planning on going to the Kent State game on Saturday. My dad usually sends me his season tickets for the games he’s not going to. This is one of those games.
I’m looking forward to seeing beautiful Neyland Stadium under the lights. It’s been over a year, and I love the stadium experience no matter who we’re playing.
What I don’t love is lugging my big fat ass across campus and climbing that hill up to the library before going downhill (up the hill on the way back) to the stadium for a game we’re going to win by 63 points.
“But you could use the steps. It wouldn’t hurt you to burn a few calories.”
I know. I get it. But the truth is, I haven’t done a lot of walking recently. This time last year, my weight was trending down. I was actually walking a lot. I ate at CAVA like five times a week. I recommended it to everyone as if I was a dietician.
But since I left California in the spring and went to Texas, I put some pounds back on. I began eating kolaches and significant amounts of brisket. If you’re unfamiliar, kolaches are one of the great American inventions of all time.
Kolaches. Credit: flavorboulevard.com
After Texas, I went home to Arkansas and spent almost a month with my mother. She’s the one who fattened me up in the first place! Needless to say, I ate like a pig there, too.
And since coming back to Tennessee to become a morning radio professional, I have rekindled my old flame with McDonald’s breakfast. The show ends at 10 a.m. I’m in the drive-thru by 10:10. Not great!
So as much as I’m looking forward to watching the Vols play again Saturday, I wonder, will my knees hold up? Will my chest hurt? At what point in my life am I going to say, “enough is enough” and turn things around? Hopefully soon or I’ll probably have a cardiac event.
With that said, I expect the Vols to cover 49 against shitty Kent State. It will be so bad that Neil Young will write a song about it.
A fat Tennessee fan. This is similar to how I look in the stadium. Credit: failblog.org
BONUS: While there aren’t a lot of “major” matchups this weekend, there are still some interesting little storylines around college football, particularly concerning the SEC. And I’m an SEC guy.
A couple of these I’m looking at are Alabama at Wisconsin and LSU at South Carolina.
The Tide didn’t look great in Week 2, and Wisconsin probably sucks, but there are still a lot of question marks around Alabama. Can the Badgers hang in there? I expect Madison to be rocking. It’s a big beer drinking town. People who drink beer tend to be loud.
LSU and Brian Kelly started yet another season with a marquee loss. The Tigers are favored to win this week but they’ve got a tricky test down in Columbia. The Cocks are coming off one of their best wins of the Shame Beamer era in which they did not cheat to win the game.
The weather report says it could be rainy in Columbia, too, with strong wind gusts. Brian Kelly doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to wind.
On a day like today, all I can say is Never Forget.
There’s not much to see in the night window. Georgia at Kentucky will perhaps be something to keep an eye on. How good is Georgia? How bad is Kentucky? You know. At least the Tennessee game will be on.
And finally, speaking of Tennessee and our near future… I’m not quite saying an upset is brewing, but maybe — just maybe — keep an eye on that 3:30 Oklahoma vs. Tulane game.
OU struggled against Houston last week, winning 16-12, and as mentioned before, Tulane gave K-State all they wanted. Maybe just keep an eye on it.