SEC Coaching Superlatives
Credit: Sports Illustrated
By AJ Cook
The college football season is finally upon us! And to honor its triumphant return into our lives, I’ve decided to go through and honor each and every SEC head coach with a superlative.
Here we go:
KALEN DEBOER – MOST LIKELY TO LOSE HIS FAN BASE
Following in the footsteps of a legend is always going to be hard. So credit to DeBoer for even trying.
But filling in for Nick Saban at Alabama after the last decade and a half? The Bammers may be ready to run him off after three losses. And with road trips to Wisconsin, Tennessee, LSU, and Oklahoma, Missouri and Georgia coming to town, and all of the transfers out they had this offseason, four losses isn’t out of the realm of possibility.
SAM PITTMAN – MOST LIKELY TO BE A P5 (P4?) OL COACH THIS TIME NEXT YEAR
The writing is on the wall for Pittman at Arkansas.
23-25 in 4 years isn’t good enough for a program that expects to at least compete in the SEC. He’ll need at least 8 wins to stick around, and even then it may not be enough.
Fortunately for Pittman, he spent about 25 years making the rounds at top programs around the country just recruiting and coaching offensive line. He has built himself quite a cushy fallback plan to rest in while he collects his buyout from Arkansas.
HUGH FREEZE- MOST LIKELY TO WIN EXACTLY 7 GAMES
This one pretty much speaks for itself.
Unless he’s goes back to his no good, dirty, side hustling ways, six or seven wins is what Freeze just does.
Five of his ten seasons since joining Ole Miss back in 2012 have ended that way. Three road games in a row in October won’t help his cause.
BILLY NAPIER- MOST LIKELY TO GET FIRED
Did you really expect anything else here?
Napier hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory in his time at Florida. Now, looking ahead to one of the most brutal schedules in recent college football history, it seems like the Florida athletic department is using him more as a sacrificial lamb to protect their next head coach instead of supporting him as a long term program builder.
Old Sun Belt Billy may be headed home soon.
KIRBY SMART- MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
I don’t like it either. But the buzzsaw keeps buzzing.
Smart is as likely as any other coach in the SEC to win it now that his old buddy Saban is gone. And that’s not even to mention they’re pretty much a shoo in for the playoff, where Georgia has the horses to run with anyone else in the country.
MARK STOOPS- BEST JOB SECURITY
Fringe top 25 every few years and six or seven wins in the others is all Stoops needs to do to keep his job at a program like Kentucky.
Remember when Texas A&M fans caught wind that Stoops may be the next guy in College Station, and they Schianamo’d the hire back in November? That was funny.
BRIAN KELLY- MOST LIKELY TO KILL A SUPPORT STAFFER AND GET AWAY WITH IT
He’s done it once and he’ll do it again!
JEFF LEBBY- MOST LIKELY TO BLOW UP THE GROUP TEXT
I’m not too proud to admit that I didn’t know much about Jeff Lebby when Mississippi State hired him.
But did you know that, at some point in his career, he has worked with Josh Heupel, Lane Kiffin, and Brent Venables?
If there actually is a group chat with all the SEC coaches, Lebby will probably feel right at home blowing it up with gifs and crappy memes he found on Facebook.
ELIAH DRINKWITZ- MOST LIKELY TO FLY TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN
Is there a possibility that Drink is as good as he thinks he is and Missouri continues their momentum from last year into this year?
Sure! But doesn’t it feel more likely that he has ascended the coaching ranks too quickly and will plummet back down to earth as quickly as he went up?
BRENT VENABLES- MOST LIKELY TO BE ON THE HOT SEAT NEXT YEAR
It has never been harder to coach up a defense than it is now.
And poor Venables has to do it against about 5 of the best offenses in the SEC, if not the country. It’ll be a miracle if Oklahoma wins more than 8 in their first season in the SEC against that schedule.
LANE KIFFIN- CLASS CLOWN
Between the TikToks, never missing chance to accuse other teams of cheating, and the infidelity to football programs and wives, the guy is the definition of a clown.
For now, his offensive mind is all that’s keeping him from pretty much just being Bobby Petrino.
SHANE BEAMER- BIGGEST LOSER
It’s important to note the difference between the “Class Clown” and the “Biggest Loser” accolades.
The Class Clown, while still being a clown, is good for at least a laugh every now and then. The Biggest Loser however is just that; a loser.
With the marketing schemes and recruiting slogans and smack talk, Beamer has wanted so badly to be a top level coach in the SEC. Instead, with the results he gets, he comes off more as a used car salesman.
He’s consistently banging against the ceiling of 7 wins, and the only thing keeping him from being Butch Jones 2.0 is he cared enough about beating Tennessee and Clemson to cheat back in 2022.
JOSH HEUPEL- BEST SMILE
I mean just look at him.
Credit: Rocky Top Talk
STEVE SARKISIAN- MOST LIKELY TO WIN SEC COACH OF THE YEAR
With all of the offseason hype for Texas, it seems like a predetermined fact right now that Sark has it in the bag. And if he goes 11-1 with a win over Georgia, he will have earned it.
MIKE ELKO- SMARTEST
The guy went to an Ivy League school (Penn) and has coached at Wake Forest, Notre Dame, and Duke. The guy has to be at least kind of smart…right?
CLARK LEA- MOST ATHLETIC
Vanderbilt has marginally regressed since Lea has been on campus, but the dude still looks jacked. It should also be noted that all of the other SEC coaches are looking a little doughy or dorky in some respects.
