Coming off of their first win in Neyland since September 23, the Volunteers travel to Columbia, Missouri to take on the high-powered offense of the Tigers.
If it’s taken you this long to start drinking when watching the Vols, you must not have been paying much attention to the dumpster fire that is this 2017 season.
But hey, better late than never, I guess! Let’s get this thing started.
1. If the SEC Network commentators mention Butch Jones’ job being in Jeopardy, drink.
Let’s be honest, Butch’s job is less secure than Hugh Freeze’s phone records. The media loves talking about hot seats and Butch’s is at the top of the list.
2. If the commentators mention how Jim McElwain was fired and Butch still hasn’t been, drink.
With our good pal Sharkboy out as the Gators head coach, it begs the question: why the hell is Butch still here?
3. If the camera pans to Jones and he’s yelling at a player or official, drink.
Go ahead and get ready. Butch has never been known for his grace on the sidelines, and against an offense that averages 32 points per game, I get the feeling that he won’t be a happy camper.
4. Every time Drew Lock throws a touchdown, drink.
Drew Lock may have the best arm in the SEC and has thrown 4+ touchdowns in too many games to count.
5. If Tennessee scores an offensive touchdown, drink.
Unfortunately, this one may keep you sober all game. To put it nicely, Tennessee sucks at throwing the ball and runs John Kelly to where he has to take up other recreational activities.
6. If an infamous Butch quote graces the airway, drink.
Butch Jones isn’t known for having the most variable press conferences, as demonstrated by his recognizable slogans and quotes — “Five-Star Hearts, Champions of Life, Leadership Reps” and more. Drink up when you hear ’em.
7. Every time Guarantano is sacked, drink.
Guarantano takes more shots than John Currie’s Twitter mentions. The offensive line is struggling and decimated by injuries, and if the hits against Guarantano continue, Will McBride may be finishing out the season for the Vols.
8. Every time the commentators mention the Vols haven’t won an SEC game, drink.
Yes SEC Network, we realize Tennessee has lost to almost the entire SEC East and was throttled by Alabama. And we realize the orange and white still might not win one. But at least they’re trying! Maybe?
9. If Butch Jones is fired during or directly after the game, first pinch yourself, then run around your neighborhood in your underwear and drink until morning comes.
While this is a stretch, it would without a doubt be the best thing to happen to Vols fans since ’98. Go all out on this one.
10. Finally, if Tennessee DOES get its first SEC win of the season, drink the rest of those beers you have in the fridge because it may be the only one for the season.
Tennessee has maybe its best chance of the season to win an SEC game on Saturday, and if the Vols can’t pull that one out, the program may be in for its first eight-loss season. Ever.
Photo: Kim Clement/USA TODAY Sports