We hope you survived last week’s drinking game, but if you didn’t survive, I’d like to congratulate myself on making contact with the afterlife through this story. How’s Elvis? Is General Robert Neyland pissed off? DM me, if the afterlife package you were given comes with that privilege.
Anyway, another Saturday brings another Tennessee football game, and with it comes an opportunity to drown your sorrows with alcohol.
As an under-21 member of society, I can’t legally participate in this week’s drinking game, but I understand that many of you just won’t be able to get through another touchdown-less quarter without a bit of help.
Let’s get to it.
1. When the SEC Network announcers mention that Butch Jones might be coaching for his job the rest of the season, drink.
This is going to be No. 1 on every drinking game for the rest of the season. It’s just a quick way to remind yourselves that Tennessee was in the SEC Championship game a decade ago. Now, outlets are writing about Tennessee’s chances of winning a bowl game. Remember: Vegas has Kentucky as the favorite in this game.
2. When highlights of Kentucky’s 2011 win over Tennessee are shown, drink.
Kentucky has one win over Tennessee in the past 32 years, and it came over Derek Dooley’s 2011 squad. That loss to Kentucky is what many considered to be the beginning of the end for Dooley (a wide receiver playing quarterback beat a Tyler Bray-led team!), and you can bet that the network will make that comparison on Saturday night for Jones.
3. When the crew talks about it being Butch Jones’ first Kentucky-Tennessee game without Josh Dobbs, drink.
Listen, we all know Josh Dobbs is gone. However, it seems like a good reminder to bring it up every time Tennessee’s offense takes the field. ESPN and the SEC Network have been like excited puppies over Dobbs and his aerospace engineering degree since he took his first snap — “JOSH DOBBS? WHERE? DID YOU KNOW HE’S AN AEROSPACE ENGINEERING MAJOR AND I MUST TALK ABOUT IT TO OTHER HUMANS.”
4. If Tennessee scores an offensive touchdown, finish your drink. If you’re drinking a can, crush it and spike it on the ground.
It’s unfortunate that I must write “if” to begin this rule, but when a team goes over three full games without an offensive touchdown, there’s a chance it’ll continue. You might want to drink just for the thought of that.
5. When the crew talks about John Kelly not getting enough touches (or getting *too* many touches??), drink.
Tennessee’s best offensive weapon has disappeared behind play-calling decisions and a struggling offensive line. It’s sad to know that Kelly was the SEC’s leading rusher for much of the beginning of the season and now has to literally shove tacklers down to make any highlights.
6. When highlights of the 2007 Tennessee-Kentucky game are shown, drink.
Ah, the good ol’ days, when Tennessee had to beat Andre’ Woodson and Kentucky to make the SEC Championship game. No 10-year anniversary is complete without some throwback highlights. We (collective we, Mom, I’m not 21 yet), drink to you, Golden days.
7. If Tennessee trails after any quarter, drink.
At this point, the thought of a loss to Kentucky will be plaguing your mind. You’re gonna need a drink.
8. When Butch Jones elects to kick a field goal or punt on 4th-and-short in Kentucky territory, take a shot.
There is an exception to this rule: If Tennessee is up 21 points, then— hahahahahahaha 14 quarters.
9. If Tennessee runs a screen or quarterback draw for negative or no gain, drink.
These plays often come at the most predictable times. You’re going to have your fingers crossed for a positive gain before the ball is even snapped.
10. If Tennessee loses, drink all the alcohol. All of it.
There really isn’t a explanation necessary for this rule. It’s the lowest of all possible lows.
As always, please drink responsibly, even if Tennessee doesn’t play responsibly.