The 3rd Saturday in October is almost upon us, or in recent years, you might know it better as Tennessee’s annual ass-kicking from Nick Saban. As a Tennessee fan, there’s only one way to make it through this game and that’s with copious amounts of alcohol. To hopefully take some of the sting away, take solace in the fact that this is likely Butch Jones’ last game as the head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers.
For starters, I want to make it clear that no drinks are required if Alabama scores. (Note: My editor would not allow me to implement this rule due to the legal fees that might ensue as a result.) I repeat: DO NOT drink if Alabama scores! I realize that would end in too many people getting alcohol poisoning, and I do not want anybody’s death on my hands.
Alright, let’s get started!
1. When the announcers mention that Butch Jones is on the hot seat, drink.
All I can say is get ready! It’s going to be a long afternoon.
2. Anytime there’s a close up on Butch Jones and his face is as red as Alabama’s jerseys, drink.
Butch Jones is known for having a face so red you think there’s a good chance he’s about to have a stroke on the sideline. Butch should probably sit this one out simply for his health. That being said, if Butch was to not coach Saturday, Tennessee’s chances of winning would actually increase.
3. If Tennessee scores, drink.
You probably won’t have to, but it’s fun to think about. Seeing Tennessee kicker Brent Cimaglia try to fight a South Carolina defensive lineman was the main highlight from last week’s game, so pray you get to see Tennessee at least try a couple of field goal attempts. In other news, Tennessee hasn’t scored a touchdown in over 10 quarters. Therefore, if you see 6 points go up on the Vols’ side of the scoreboard just know you are in uncharted waters.
4. Jon Gruden is mentioned, take 2 drinks.
Whenever you hear the name of the future savior of Tennessee football just think all of this will be over soon. So when you hear Jon Gruden, first, enjoy the moment, and then take two drinks.
5. Drink when Nick Saban makes a coaching mistake.
You probably won’t have to drink on this one. I wanted to say, drink when Butch makes a coaching mistake, but nobody will have enough alcohol on hand unless you are watching this game from inside a liquor store. (Note: Again, blame my editor for having to change this rule.)
6. Any time an infamous Butch Jones slogan is said, drink.
Champions of Life, Brick by Brick, 5 Star Hearts, Leadership Rep, VOLtimate Effort, etc… we’ve heard them all! Okay, so Butch has not said “VOLtimate Effort.” But be honest, when you read it you thought to yourself, “when did he say that?” Anyways, drink.
7. The Team 121 Trash Can makes an appearance, drink!
Everything has gone down hill since the Team 121 trash can was removed from the sideline. Hopefully Tennessee is “lucky” enough to get the magnificent Rubbermaid plastic bin back for public viewing. In my opinion, having an actual dumpster fire on the sideline would be more poetic. That being said, let’s not act like Tennessee would be creating any turnovers to put in the trash can anyway.
8. If John Currie comes on the field and makes a bee-line towards Butch Jones, finish your beer.
If John Currie is on the field, you know things are about to go down. Prepare for the chaos that is about to emerge.
9. Butch Jones gets fired at halftime…(shots all around).
Let’s all admit it, if Butch gets fired at halftime, nobody cares how the game ends because Tennessee fans have won at this point.
10. Finally, divine intervention takes place and Tennessee wins, drink til you drop!
Actually probably try and sober up because you will never witness anything this insane in your life again. If the Vols somehow knock off the No. 1 team in the country it will have been the biggest upset since Appalachian State beat Michigan.
But let’s get back to reality. At the end of the day, the real winners here are the people smart enough to not even waste their time watching this game and the bloodbath that will ensue. And to that I say, congrats. Go ahead and shotgun a beer for being a Life Champion.
DISCLAIMER: On a serious note, know your drinking limit, and do not drink to excess.