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The Deal: Vols Beat The Gators But You Have To Shave Your Body Hair

Vols

Vols

It’s almost football time in Tennessee which gives me all the feels. Every year around this time, I find myself foaming at the mouth at the thought of 100,000 beautiful people in Neyland Stadium. 

Who needs PornHub? Just give me the image of the Pride of the Southland Marching Band forming the T as the Vols to take the field.

There are a million things I could write about this team. I could give you a depth chart, but honestly, it wouldn’t be as accurate since I don’t have the “sources” some people claim to have because I don’t hang out near the dorm rooms. 

I could talk about how Tennessee needs to develop a pass rush or how the wide receivers could have a changeable impact on the season, but my sources (former players) aren’t on the coaching staff any longer.

Quite frankly, you don’t want to read that stuff anyway. It’s boring. It’s a talking point every offseason for every team. Instead, I started asking questions on Twitter where people have to make a fun hypothetical deal. 

It all started about a month ago when I saw a commercial for fish sticks. I’m a very picky eater, but as a kid, I LOVED fish sticks. So, it got me thinking…..as a Tennessee fan, would you eat fish sticks for every meal the entire football season for the Vols to go 10-2?

Here are a couple of answers to that question.

If you’re asking me, I probably wouldn’t do take the deal. I’m working on a six-pack, and it seems like fish sticks would hold me back. Plus, I want to be a leg model for 5.5-inch inseam shorts and eating that many fish sticks would hinder my ability to work out. 

This week the deal is the Vols beat Florida, but you have to shave all the hair on your body.

My first thought is this deal isn’t bad at all. Hair will always grow back in most cases. Plus, there are some places on the body that hair isn’t needed. 

Here are some benefits I’ve gathered for not having any hair.

  1. No hassle
  2. Saving money with quicker showers
  3. No haircuts
  4. Make you run faster
  5. Find out your real friends
  6. Brighter skin
  7. Muscles look more defined
  8. Reduced body odor
  9. No more dingleberries or butt sweat

Look, I don’t know if you are thinking about shaving all the hair on your body, but I just laid out nine great reasons why you should. Add in beating Florida, and honestly, it’s not even a question.

The Vols and Gators starting playing as an annual rivalry in 1990, the year I was born. In my 31 years, I’ve seen Tennessee win a total of seven games in the series. Most Vol fans want to talk about the 90s, but Tennessee only beat Florida three times from 1990-2000.

 Beating Florida isn’t something that happens all the time. In fact, the Vols are 1-15 in their last 16 games against the Gators. In other words, it NEVER HAPPENS. It’s a joke that people even think this is a rivalry. 

1-15!!!!!!!!!

I’m sick of hearing about how great Tennessee was in the 90s. The Vols only beat Florida three times from 1990-2000. THREE TIMES. THAT IS A JOKE.

However, at this point in my life, I would do just about anything for a win against the jort-wearing Gators. Would you?

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