Yes, everyone, we’re not in a dream: it actually happened. With all of the uncertainty stemming from Butch Jones’ firing, everyone seems to be overlooking a great SEC game this weekend — that is, if you’re an LSU fan. With Tennessee’s struggling run defense going up against one of the best running backs in the nation, you all might want to start drinking now. Let’s get this thing started.
1. Any time Butch Jones’ name is brought up, drink.
Anger from the Disney movie Inside Out is no longer the coach at Tennessee, and announcers will be talking about him all game long.
2. For every touchdown Derrius Guice scores, drink.
Let’s be honest, Tennessee’s run defense has more holes than a piece of Swiss cheese. The Vols’ only chance at a winning is if the defensive front steps up.
3. Every time Jon Gruden’s name is brought up, take 2 drinks.
Grumors have been infecting more people than the flu this holiday season, but let’s keep hoping those Grumors become reality.
4. If Tennessee scores, drink.
LSU’s touts the No. 16 defense in the nation, while Tennessee’s offense has been playing like a YMCA flag football team, and that’s putting it nicely. Celebrate the (probably rare) good times.
5. If the commentators mention Brady Hoke’s headset, finish your drink.
Brady Hoke is famously known for not wanting to wear a headset during games. Because who needs to know what play the offensive coordinator calls, right?
6. If Trey Smith destroys an LSU player, drink.
Smith’s nickname needs to be Aunt Jemima because he’s serving up pancakes every weekend. Trey Smith has a bright future ahead of him — the Tigers lining up in front of him, not so much.
7. Every time John Kelly stiff-arms a defender, fist bump your buddy and take a drink.
John Kelly is harder to take down than Butch’s picture on the Jumbotron. Keep your eyes glued to the screen every time “JFK” has the ball in his hands. Something good is almost always bound to happen.
8. If the commentators mention that Tennessee hasn’t won an SEC game, just change it to the Ole Miss-Texas A&M game and grab another drink.
Let’s not kid yourselves, Jon Gruden jumping out of a plane and landing in Neyland Stadium on Saturday to save the Vols is about as likely as Tennessee winning an SEC game this year. Good thing there’s always a next year.
9. If by some act of a higher power Tennessee wins on Saturday, party all night long.
The best team the Vols have beat this year is Georgia Tech. If that’s the best Tennessee can do, go ahead and move the team to Conference USA until a decent coach shows up.
10. Finally, if Jon Gruden is hired, sober up for a minute to make sure it’s real, and then drink on!
If Captain Ahab Currie is able to land the Great White Whale, Tennessee is in for a bright (and interesting) future, and so should your night.