It’s the summer, it’s the football offseason, and outside of baseball, our brains are turning to jelly.
So, to break up this chasm of monotony, I ask, “what if our most popular head coaches were part of the Harry Potter universe?”
Ridiculous? Yes, of course. Will you keep reading? Also, yes.
Without further ado, let’s cast Kellie Harper, Rick Barnes, Josh Heupel, and Tony Vitello as Harry Potter characters.
Kellie Harper – Nymphadora Tonks
Just like Tonks, Kellie Harper isn’t shy about taking on a challenge.
She could have played it safe by staying at Missouri State but instead dove headfirst into the pressure cooker that is her alma mater.
Why? She was trained by the best (Pat Summitt, not Mad-Eye Moody), and she understands what it takes to get the job done.
Rick Barnes – Albus Dumbledore
This was too easy. Rick Barnes loves to tell stories; he’s been around for several decades, he is eccentric, and he always has a sagelike quip on hand.
Barnes is Dumbledore.
Josh Heupel – Hermione Granger
Josh Heupel is a genius with a clear identity. He doesn’t bend to popular conventions.
Josh Heupel has become respected and admired by peers for the way he thinks. Replace “Josh Heupel/He” with “Hermione Granger,” and the above statements still ring true.
Tony Vitello – Harry Potter
He’s the chosen one. He is the fulfiller of prophecy.
He is the wielder of the elder bat (Louisville Slugger brand), and he is Big Orange Country’s greatest hope. Let’s assemble the best witches and wizards to protect him (and pay him) at all costs.
There you have it; our completely pointless, utterly satisfying adventure has drawn to a close. Hopefully, all of these coaches have a little magic up their sleeves, and UT athletics will return to prominence soon.
Thanks for reading!
