Cody’s ‘five things i’m looking at’ week 1

Lee Corso with 'Corso' the bison. Photo courtesy of ndsunacurh2015 on Pinterest

****LANGUAGE WARNING****

By Cody McClure

Here are the top five storylines I’m interested in around college football this first weekend. Let’s get to it.

5. Is Lincoln Riley overrated? Is USC forever shit?

The guy has produced three Heisman winners so obviously he knows how to coach quarterbacks. I actually lean toward handsome Lincoln Riley not being overrated.

Unfortunately for handsome Lincoln, though, USC might just be perennial shit. The days of Pete Carroll's dynasty are long gone and the Trojans haven't been truly relevant since 2008.

I fact checked this.

They have done nothing besides lose two Cotton Bowls. That's it.

Well actually, after taking a second look here they did win a Rose Bowl. My bad. But they lost to Alabama 52-6 that year so point stands -- not really nationally relevant.

An interesting note about USC is that it is a beautiful campus situated right off south Figueroa street near downtown LA from about 33rd street down to about 40th street. It is pleasant there. College kids roam safely and palm trees sway in the beautiful California air.

HOWEVER just 14 streets or so further south -- from about 54th all the way down near 100th -- you find yourself smack dab in the LA hooker scene. Gang violence runs rampant, helicopter feds circle the sky, and the ladies of the night (and day) do their best to lure you into the alley ways.

It's an incredible scene. The hookers are everywhere.

I used to drive through on my way to the Popeyes on the corner of 85th and Manchester. The big breasted dirty women (mostly women) would holler at me "hey baby, how you doing?" ... "hey sweetie, you want a date?" ... I was too intimidated to take them up on their offers due to the nearby gangs and feds. But it's certainly a big operation they're running.

If you ever find yourself in South Central I suggest checking it out. Fuck the Hollywood sign. See the real LA. It's an amazing town.

Anyway, speaking of big tests for a Trojan, haha, USC plays LSU Week 1. The game is in Vegas, another great town, and we'll see how it goes.

4. Will Dabo's sorry ass even be able to score against Georgia?

Drooling Dabo Sweeney is a lame duck. He's eventually getting pushed out at Clemson against his will in one way or another. He'll certainly hang on this year, and probably for a few more years, but eventually he's getting whacked.

The guy refuses to adapt. He won't take transfers and he hates NIL. You can't be stuck in the past in today's college football. It also hasn't helped Drooling Dabo that Tennessee has gotten better. The Carolinas are fertile recruiting territory and now the Vols are picking players out of there like we used to.

My friend Jon made the point to me that Tennessee and Clemson can't be great at the same time. I agree with this. Our trajectory is on the up and up while Clemson's trajectory is cheeks.

My friend Jack said "cheeks." I guess it's a Gen Z term but I don't really know. I've only heard him say it. He also happens to be friends with Drooling Dabo and Jack will be sad when they can his ass soon.

The game is being played in Atlanta, which is a great town.

Some of the most beautiful Black women I have ever seen.

I've enjoyed time in the Battery, as well as at the Eleventh Street Pub in midtown. Back in 2021 I saw the Rolling Stones at the same stadium this game will be played at. One of seven times I have seen the world's greatest rock and roll band.

After the show I ate at the Marietta Diner, which has since become one of my favorite restaurants in America. It's got an expansive spiral-bound menu with options ranging from Greek food to Italian, to classic American and more. I don't know how to describe the place other than it feels like you're back in the 90s at a 50s-themed place. Weird, I know.

I expect the Dawgs to win big in this one. 31-6 or something like that. We'll see how it goes.

Photo above courtesy of miltonmomsatlantaa (Debbie discovers Atlanta and beyond).

Photo above courtesy of Mark Chandler on Flickr

3. Is it all going to fall apart early for Deion?

Lies. Chaos. Bouts with the media. An atmosphere like a "real-life Grand Theft Auto video game with fights, guns, and money being common distractions" according to the Microsoft Bing AI tab.

This doesn't seem like it's going to end well for Coach Prime.

Don't call him by his name, Deion. You wouldn't call Coach Saban just Nick. Coach Saban of course won 7 national titles, but nonetheless.

Coach Prime has also earned respect with the 4-8 record he posted last year at Colorado. Obviously Deion isn't going to be at Colorado long, one way or another.

But I'm interested to see how quickly this goes off the rails this year. The Buffaloes have a big test Week 1 against the ... Bison ... oddly enough. Click below to read about the differences in Buffaloes and Bison.

Bison vs Buffalo: 6 Key Differences - A-Z Animals (a-z-animals.com)

Now this is a proud program we're talking about here, in North Dakota State. They've won 17 national titles in the lower tiers of college football. This isn't some Mercer or Tennessee Tech where you can just roll the ball out there and kick the shit out of them for 60 minutes.

This is going to be a fight.

Colorado is a 10-point favorite in Boulder, which I've heard is a beautiful town full of white hipster liberal women who have armpit hair and nose piercings.

You know, the barista types with the weird hair and the dirty feet (big fan). They can tell you how your mood will be for the day just by looking at a rock. Pretty spectacular.

Hipster girl. Photo courtesy of Lindsey Davis on Pinterest

So Colorado does have that advantage of being at home. Ralphie the Buffalo will not have to travel, unlike the big Bison mascot for NDSU. I assume they have a live mascot that they put on a trailer and take from town to town.

He probably feels like he's part of a circus, living out his own little dream, but there's a little jealousy when he looks at Ralphie.

It's like when you see a beautiful news anchor who ends up in a medium-sized market. He or she thought they would end up being a movie star like Meryl Streep or something but they wound up there in Des Moines or Boise or whatever. Still beautiful, just not as cool as a movie star.

Ralphie the Buffalo. Photo courtesy of Bleacher Report.

Ralphie gets to be the star when it comes to cow-like species out in the middle of fucking nowhere. Point is, there's a little animosity and NDSU has something to prove.

We'll see how it goes.

(Turns out when you Bing search "NDSU LIVE MASCOT" at the top it just pops up "Lee Corso" which is factually inaccurate but apparently in 2014 Corso led out a 270-pound baby bison named "Corso" who became the real life mascot for NDSU. He lives in Wahpeton, North Dakota at the zoo.)

2. Has Texas A&M changed the culture or is it still full of freaks who can't play ball?

Jimbo Fisher may be the worst living coach to ever win a national championship. No, Gene Chizik didn't die, but I'm trying to reel off a hot take here. $75 million guaranteed to be worse than Kevin Sumlin. I still can't believe it but to A&M's credit they did bite the bullet and get rid of him. No biggie, there's plenty of oil money down there.

Now what Fisher left behind for new coach Mike Elko was a locker room full of guys who are used to losing. Losers. Guys who were beaten down and lost all confidence. I'm interested to see if Elko has been able to turn the culture around in just a few months. It's hard to turn that around.

Gene Chizik in a cryosauna. Photo courtesy of @KennyPerry8. 

I was a varsity athlete back in the day and I played on a team that went 5-4-1 my junior year. Seniors were cheeks but we believed in our own junior class and by the time the next season rolled around we were able to turn it around and go 12-1. We were pretty special players though, and idk if A&M has the same type of dawgs that we did.

Good news for A&M though is that Elko is a pretty damn good coach by all accounts that I've read (Wikipedia). Aggie fans are excited about the possibilities. They come into the year ranked 20th and they get always-overrated-Notre Dame in Week 1 in College Station. It's an opportunity to look good on a national stage.

For those wondering, College Station is pretty overrated as a town. It's kind of just a big field with a huge university/cult in the middle. I've only been once and spent less than two hours there. I ate at a Chipotle. Big opportunity for the Aggies. We'll see how it goes.

Texas A&M cult. Photo courtesy of Jay Janner/Austin American-Statesman.

1. Will Florida stumble to 0-1 right out of the gate?

This article is getting long. Already at 7,930 characters here as I type this. I hope people actually read this because I have spent like two hours writing it and I need to pick up my friend's cat from his dentist appointment.

I plan to do one of these every week throughout football season but perhaps I will find a way to shorten them. Unless you guys like the long form.

Please comment somewhere if you like the long form.

Who's really got time to sit down and read all this shit? I really don't know what I could cut out though, as this is all quite important information. Thanks for hanging on this long, and know that it will end soon. Sometimes these types of articles just keep dragging on and on and on and on and

Florida sucks ass and can go to Hell! I hate them! They are going to have a terrible year. I'm just wondering how quickly it will start looking terrible. I hope it is in Week 1. Miami is good this year, apparently. And you all know the Gators have a brutal schedule.

UF losing to Vols. Photo courtesy of Saturday Down South.

Could it be as bad as 3-9 this year for Florida? 2-10? Surely not, but we can all hope. Gainesville is a town I hope to never visit again. I passed through once on a long drive from Miami to Knoxville and ate a Dairy Queen. It was mid.

One of the most disgusting eating days I've ever had. In one day I ate at a McDonald's, Hardees, Dairy Queen, and Fazoli's. It's called being depressed because I had to drive through Gainesville.

Worst place ever.

The game is at 3:30 Saturday on ABC. We'll see how it goes.