The 2017 NBA Draft is only hours away, and if you want to impress your friends it’s important that you know what you’re talking about. That’s why this NBA mock draft is the only one you need.
1. Philadelphia 76ers – Markelle Fultz
The 76ers can’t pass up a chance to construct a Fultz-Simmons-Embiid core. This group will spend the remaining years of the LeBron era growing and building chemistry. This group may challenge for a championship once LeBron’s Cavaliers begin to fall off (or are deconstructed). This is by far the easiest pick in the draft.
2. Los Angeles Lakers – Lonzo, LiAngelo, LaMelo, and LuCille Ball
It’s clear Magic Johnson wants to overhaul the Lakers roster. What better way to do that than to bring in the three Ball brothers and their family dog? Lonzo is a no-brainer, LiAngelo could develop, and if nothing else LaMelo’s half court shots would be good halftime entertainment. Plus, who wouldn’t want LaVar Ball in the building 24/7?
3. Chicago Bulls (via Boston Celtics) – Josh Jackson
The Celtics pull the first stunner of the draft, trading with the Chicago Bulls for Jim Butler. Unfortunately, Jim Butler is a mild mannered insurance salesman who hasn’t played basketball since his early days at Dunbar High School in south Chicago. The Bulls naturally take Josh Jackson in his stead.
4. Phoenix Suns – Charles Barkley, current state
The Suns desperately need someone to mentor their young big men in Marquese Chriss and Dragan Bender. With their historically accomplished training staff, the Suns believe that they can coax a few more good seasons out of their all-time leader in Player Efficiency Rating.
5. Sacramento Kings – One trade mulligan from Adam Silver
A few months after the infamously bad DeMarcus Cousins trade, many Sacramento fans wish that the team could have a mulligan. As a precaution against further bad trades, the Kings front office drafts one mulligan from the league office, with the ability to cancel trades within 30 days if the team realizes it just made a horrible mistake.
6. Orlando Magic – A copy of the “This Magic Moment”
For Magic fans, there isn’t a lot to look forward to with the current team. So the Magic decide to take a trip down memory lane and wonder what could’ve been with a copy of the Shaq/Penny 30 for 30. Maybe it’ll even inspire Elfrid Payton and Aaron Gordon to start playing like them.
7. Minnesota Timberwolves – Sasquatch
Karl Anthony Towns needs a new training buddy, and they seem like pretty good friends.
8. New York Knicks – A lesser version of Kristaps Porzingis
Otherwise known as Lauri Markkanen.
9. Dallas Mavericks – Season 7 of Shark Tank
Perhaps the Dallas front office could learn a few things from Mark Cuban’s negotiating tactics on Shark Tank. There’s a decent chance that experience could’ve helped them land DeAndre Jordan and not spend so much money on Harrison Barnes. Plus, it’ll give the team something fun to watch after they miss the playoffs again.
10. Sacramento Kings – De’Aaron Fox
The Kings really, desperately need a point guard.
11. Charlotte Hornets – The old Hornets uniforms
There’s not a ton wrong with the current Hornets uniforms, and frankly I rather like them. However, it’s hard to beat the pinstripe uniforms of the Hornets of old. It harkens back to memories of Dell Curry and Muggsy Bogues draining shots, and frankly they just look better.
12. Detroit Pistons – Isiah Thomas
No, not that Isaiah Thomas. The Pistons have struggled at the point guard spot since the whole Brandon Jennings experiment didn’t exactly work out, and what better way to fix the issue than bringing in a franchise legend? The Pistons could use a shot of toughness in their style of play, and the original IT could bring it.
13. Denver Nuggets – A retractable roof for the Pepsi Center
The Pepsi Center is already considered one of the best home court advantages in the NBA, but the Nuggets have failed to take advantage of it in recent years. Installing a retractable roof would strongly exacerbate this advantage. Who wants to play basketball outside in Denver in January? The Nuggets would never lose again during the winter.
14. Miami Heat – A $50 gift card to Men’s Warehouse
Everyone knows that Pat Riley, is, has been, and will continue to be the best dressed man in Miami. The Heat want to keep that swagger on the court, and they add to Pat Riley’s suit collection with a gift card to Men’s Warehouse. The dollar amount may not be much, but I think Riley will be just fine.
15. Toronto Raptors (via Portland Trail Blazers) – Chris Pratt in Jurassic World
If anyone knows how to train a raptor, it’s Owen from Jurassic World. Maybe this could help them not get swept by the Cavaliers next time they meet!
The Trail Blazers have regretted passing on Kevin Durant for years, so when they heard that the Raptors had Durant, they swung a deal. Unfortunately for them, they meant the Brazilian Kevin Durant, Bruno Caboclo. Nevertheless, the Raptors now own 2 of Portland’s 3 first round picks.
16. Boston Celtics (via Chicago Bulls) – LeBron James Jr.
If you can’t beat em, draft their son.
17. Milwaukee Bucks – The rest of the Antetokounmpo brothers
The potential of a starting five featuring Giannis, Thanasis, Kostas, Alexis, and Francis Antetokounmpo is astronomical. The mere idea of five tall point forwards all playing at the same time should scare the heck out of teams. If one of them could develop a three point shot, the Greek 5 could be unstoppable.
18. Indiana Pacers – Jimmy Chitwood
If Jimmy Chitwood can carry the lowly Huskers to a state championship victory over the South Bend Central Bears, maybe he can carry the Pacers to a playoff berth. If Paul George plays out this year with Indiana, maybe the presence of Chitwood could even convince him to stay.
19. Atlanta Hawks – Snapchat with a puppy filter
If you missed the exchange between the Hawks and the Hornets on Twitter yesterday, here it is:
You drive a hard bargain, Hornets. You’re lucky the trade machine still accepts. Deal! pic.twitter.com/7Jl7unR0oI
— Atlanta Hawks (@ATLHawks) June 20, 2017
However, in order to make this trade, the Hawks must first make it to this point in the draft without anyone else taking the Snapchat with a puppy filter. Luckily for them, 18 other teams passed!
20. Toronto Raptors (via Portland Trail Blazers) – Norm Kelly
If there’s a bigger Raptors fan than Norm Kelly, I’d love to meet them.
— Norm Kelly (@norm) November 21, 2016
21. Oklahoma City Thunder – A 24 pack of cupcakes
For obvious reasons.
22. Brooklyn Nets – Traded for an aging veteran
I don’t know who they’re trading for, or to what team, but it will happen.
23. Toronto Raptors – Littlefoot from the Land Before Time
The Raptors need to add some beef to their frontcourt, and what player would want to take on a dinosaur in the low post? (Draymond Green, probably)
24. Utah Jazz – Zach Collins
Would anyone really be surprised if the Jazz ended up with Collins?
25. Orlando Magic – Mickey Mouse
The Orlando Magic recently announced that they will be wearing patches with Disney on them for the 2017 season. As part of the terms of the deal, the team is required to select Mickey Mouse in the first round of the draft. Honestly, it’ll still sell more seats than the Magic could just playing basketball.
26. Portland Trail Blazers – Cartilage for Brandon Roy’s knees
If you remember Brandon Roy, you remember a three time All-Star who had all the potential in the world, until several knee injuries forced him to retire. As evidenced earlier, the Trail Blazers clearly are living in the past, so why not give them some cartilage to put back into Brandon Roy’s knees and give it one more shot. Clear eyes, unstable knees, can’t lose!
27 & 28. Los Angeles Lakers – NBA 2K10
There’s only one way this current iteration of the Lakers is winning a championship anytime soon. Kobe Bryant is even on the cover!
29. San Antonio Spurs – A foreign player you’ve never heard of that will either stay in Europe for the rest of his career or become a superstar and a 3 time NBA champion
Gregg Popovich is a wizard.
30. Utah Jazz – Epic Sax Guy
What a way to end the draft. The Jazz even get a new mascot!