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John Currie’s Thankful Thanksgiving Speech

John Currie, family, and Vol Nation are gathered in a large dining hall.

The smell of turkey, sweet potatoes and all the fixin’s waft through the air. Currie stands at the head of the table, looking out at the smiling faces of the those gathered.

“Dearest Family, before we dig into this most bountiful feast, I have a few things that I would like to take a moment to be thankful for. Our lives are blessed. I am blessed with the opportunity to control the direction of Tennessee athletics. Let us give thanks to all of the wonderful opportunities that this has offered.

First, I would like to thank the creators of all social media platforms, specifically Twitter and Periscope. Without these, I would not have had the information that I needed to keep my hire under wraps until my timeline was ready. To all the fans of Vol Nation, thank you for watching Jon Reed sit at the airport and try to catch us and the boosters return with Jon Gruden in our company.

With the massive number of retweets and viewers, we were able to covertly change our flight plans and keep our true hire secret until we are truly ready to officially announce. Without the help of oversharing on social media, the news would have broken and been a distraction to the boys on the field and to our current interim coaching staff, which is focusing on slowly expelling all the talented players we have.

*Jimmy Hyams shakes his fist at the sky*

Secondly, I am thankful for the women’s soccer and volleyball teams. Both teams have continued their seasons deep into the postseason of their respective sports. With their successes, I have been able to resurface from my coaching search hiatus on Twitter to wish them luck and congratulate them on their successes. Without their help, I would have had to craft some Tweet that skirted the coaching issue but allowed people to know that the search was over.

Thirdly, I am thankful for Nike’s sponsorship with Tennessee. We all know that Nike sports gear is head and shoulders above all others. Fans love it. Players love it. Everyone is much happier with the Nike uniforms and shirts than they were with other brands. Oh, and those Smokey Grey uniforms look better with Nike orange on them.”

Chad Fields (@CfieldsVFL): “Hear, hear! *whispers* but the orange pan—”

“Next, I am thankful for the beginning of basketball season, the Battle 4 Atlantis, and coach Rick Barnes. I am thankful for Rick because he has led our men’s basketball team to an impressive start, has provided our players with valuable lessons about not taking opportunities for granted, but most importantly he doesn’t know how to barbecue. 

*A painted-up Bruce Pearl slowly exits the premises*

The Battle 4 Atlantis is a great opportunity for our team to play nationally televised games. It will grant them an opportunity to rally the fan base for a great basketball season. Finally, I am thankful for the season to start. We want to show those dumb*** SEC Basketball writers how wrong they were. Predicting the Vols to finish 13th is pure journalistic negligence.

And finally, dear family, I am thankful for you, the VolNation. Without all of you, we would not be one of the best schools in the country. We wouldn’t have traditions dating back decades. We wouldn’t be so upset that our football coach couldn’t win a single game in the SEC this year. And we sure as heck wouldn’t be one of the toughest places to play in the SEC. Nick Saban said all of the stadiums except for Vanderbilt’s fall in that category. Without you, the fans, our teams would not be nearly as loved and successful as they are because of you.

And now, let us eat, drink, and have a great Thanksgiving!”

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