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Intern Burns: You Suck, Kentucky

Kentucky, you suck. First of all, thank you for giving college football fans false hope when y’all played Florida. You almost had it guys — maybe don’t jump offsides next time. I realize we didn’t beat Florida either, but at least our game was at the Swamp. You guys lost in front of all 10,000 of your fans, which has to be heartbreaking.

Come to think of it, how are y’all feeling after last weeks butt-whooping from Mississippi State? BYU put up a better game than you and, the Cougars didn’t cross the fifty-yard line against LSU!

It must feel bad to squeak by teams like Eastern Michigan, Eastern Kentucky and Southern Miss. You guys are about four plays away from being 2-5! Ouch.

At least you guys have basketball, right? Oh wait, didn’t the Volunteers actually BEAT you last year? You guys were No. 4 in the nation and lost to a team that only had three conference wins going into that game. Oh well, try again this year.

And what’s up with the nation’s most common Wildcat mascot? I feel like the founders were like, “We’re not good enough to call ourselves the Tigers, so we’ll just settle for the Wildcats.”

The Wildcats should start head coach Mark Stoops in the backfield because that man’s hairline won’t stop running back.

Let’s discuss your production of NFL talent, or rather the lack thereof. The University of Kentucky currently has eight former Wildcats in the NFL. Tennessee had six drafted THIS year and has 29 players in the NFL right now!

The last time the Wildcats beat Tennessee was in 2011 when Derek Dooley decided to have a brain aneurysm before the game and let a wide receiver playing quarterback beat him.

Want to know the last time the Wildcats had won in the series before that? 1984, when Ronald Reagan was president and LeBron James hadn’t been born yet!

I was told a joke growing up that I’ll never forget: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Kentucky? Because everyone there has the same DNA. Sometimes, the truth hurts.

I think it’s really cute how badly you Wildcats want to be like us, too. You had to make knock-off checkerboard jerseys to finally feel like something about your football program has a winning tradition.

Watching Kentucky football is like buying a lottery ticket and getting all of the numbers right except for the last one. You get your hopes up and actually think something good is going to happen for you, and then just like that, you’re back to mediocrity.

So as the Battle for the Beer Barrel approaches this Saturday and the Volunteers come in as a five point underdog, maybe the Wildcats can pull off a miracle.

Or, maybe I’ll start at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers next year! People can dream.

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