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Intern Burns: You Suck, Alabama

Editor’s Note: Welcome to the first edition of “Intern Burns,” a place where we let our interns let off some steam and express their creative freedom. Sometimes they’ll tell teams to go to hell.

Why does Alabama suck? Well, let me count the ways. First off, the geniuses couldn’t even come up with a nickname, so they decided to call themselves the Crimson Tide. That’s real original.

Also, what the hell is up with that elephant? We have a logo that shows Davy Crockett holding a shotgun, so don’t think an elephant makes us bat an eye.

All we hear about is Paul Bear Bryant being the best coach of all time, right? Well, he himself said that General Robert Neyland taught him everything he knew about coaching.

BEAR BRYANT IS DEAD, ALABAMA!

No matter how much you want to believe he is alive, he isn’t. General Neyland is, too, but we don’t keep on bringing his name up all willy nilly.

And can we please get rid of the damn houndstooth? Someone has it on no matter which way you turn. Just like Bear Bryant, let it die. Meanwhile, Nick Saban has a severe case of little man syndrome, and he looks like Lord Farquaad from Shrek.

Don’t even get me started on ‘Bama “fans.” The fan base is strong now, but where were all the Bammers when Mike DuBose (Who pulled a Bill Clinton) was in town? Or Mike Price (THE TIDE’S ROLLIN’, BABY), who didn’t even get to coach a game?

I know every SEC team has crazy fans, but my goodness, every single ‘Bama fan is painfully delusional. Hell, they even had a guy who thought it was a good idea to poison the trees at Toomer’s Corners as revenge for putting a jersey on a statue.

They also wear Tide laundry detergent and rolls of toilet paper on their head. I’ve been to the state of Alabama several times, can we please get someone to say something else besides “Roll Tide?” Something like “Welcome to Walmart?” or how about “Welcome to McDonald’s!” It’s like that’s all the people of Alabama know how to say.

Now, I know how great your quarterbacks have been in the NFL— oh, wait. Y’all have so many great backups, but not many average starters like we do. Our backups become starters halfway through the season so they get “invaluable” game time reps, which that doesn’t happen in Tuscaloosa. Boom, roasted.

In all honesty, we probably know what the outcome will be on Saturday, but the “Tide” will turn and I want to see all you Bammers still wearing crimson when the Volunteers start steamrolling teams on the lake.  “WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE WHOLE STATE OF ALABAMA … WE’RE FROM TENNESSEE!

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