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College Football Coaches Read Mean Tweets That Aren’t Mean

No matter what you think about Jimmy Kimmel, he gave us one of the best skits ever: Celebrities reading mean tweets. 

Kimmel’s skit is successful because a) the tweets are actually mean and b) the celebrities being roasted are usually at least semi-funny. I mean, they are entertainers after all. Sure, there are some clunkers every now and then, but, for the most part, these celebrities are able to either fire something witty back off-the-cuff or at least laugh at themselves.

But not these college football coaches.

They do not have time to laugh. They are incapable of being funny. They take themselves very seriously.

These are all pretty tame- and lame- jokes.

“Dave Doeren looks like Toby from the Office ha ha.”

OMG do you see his hair. It’s similar.

I want to see Dave Doeren’s reaction to the tweets from the 24 hours he was linked to Tennessee’s coaching hire. How would Dave be able to hold it together to being likened to Butch Jones or Greg Schiano? Let’s see Dave’s reaction to a Vol fan saying that he’d kill himself if Doeren was hired by Tennessee.

“LOL Larry Fedora has a beard and looks like he’s been on Survivor.”

Surely we can do better than this. Fedora’s coming off of a 3-9 season. He’s stuck at North Carolina. There has to at least be some type of joke about how UNC football is so trash that their athletes have to take real classes.

We can do better with the Survivor comparisons. I mean they have TIKI torches and fire all over the show. HE’S COMING OFF A 3-9 SEASON. . . and if there’s a fan base that looked like the white supremacists marching with their TIKI torches, it’d be North Carolina, right?

“Brian Kelly drinks wine coolers.”

Come on. I know we could have done better than this. Let’s see how Kelly handles real criticism.

How about a Gameday sign or a tweet about the time that Brian Kelly kinda sorta killed that kid by putting him 40 feet up in the air while the wind was blowing 50 mph.

Or at least about how he averages over four losses per year and that he’s really overrated.

Or at least show him a picture of the national championship beat down. Or ask him about Manti Te’o.

Wine coolers? BOOOOOOOOOO.

Either honor the spirit of mean tweets or don’t do mean tweets. There ain’t no half-steppin’ when it comes to mean tweets. A roast is supposed to be mean. Not just a cheap way to try to drum up some positive PR.

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