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Bartolo Colon is the Hero We Need in 2020


Big Sexy himself, Bartolo Colon, has announced a desire to return to baseball as early as this season, according to Marly Rivera of ESPN. With that declaration comes excitement for baseball fans alike. The soon-to-be 47-year-old has garnered much love from around Major League Baseball over the years. The hefty Dominican has logged service time for 11 teams across his illustrious career.

He would become the oldest player to log playing time in the MLB since 49-year-old Jamie Moyer did so back in 2012 with the Colorado Rockies.

Colon has shown an ability to refine his skill set over the years despite gaining in girth. As a spry 25-year-old, Big Sexy went 14-9 while logging 204 IP and 158 SO with the Cleveland Indians. He was an All-Star that year and followed up the sophomore campaign with Cy Young votes in 1999. He won the prestigious award in 2005 with the Los Angeles Angels.


Fast-forward a decade and the once prominent innings-eater and power pitcher is posting his lowest BB9 rate of his career in a new league. Colon played three seasons with the New York Mets from 2014-2016. According to Colon, per Rivera’s interview, Larry Wayne Jones’ franchise would be his preference to rejoin.

So sad of a choice. But let’s face it. The year 2020 is getting inconsolable. Fans are waiting patiently for the sport’s return while billionaire owners challenge the players to a high-dollar staring contest. But amid chaos, here comes an Atlanta Braves legend to rectify the damage.

Colon’s sausage fingers will squeeze the life out of the virus. His crafty ways will allow him to be effective in an abbreviated year with unconventional methods. The Latin sensation might even develop a new pitch. Forget about a knuckle-curve. Have you ever heard of a Boudin ball?  Wait until you see Big Bart’s winding towards you at 65-mph, like a UFO shifting around the skies of Reno, NV.


When baseball returns, it is now more likely that Colon makes his Mets reunion and saves us all from the deprivation endured during this pandemic. It doesn’t matter who Big Bart suits up for in 2020. This ageless mountain of a man will make baseball look sexy in 2020.

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