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Bachelor Squad, week 6: Nick is very, very sad

The Bachelor Squad discusses Corinne, Kristina, and axing a whole lot of women.

No Chance this week – he’s taking a week off to recover from the bonkers back-and-forth remote control game he played last night. (Cavs-Wizards is the game of the year in basketball at any level.) Jon and Will of the Bachelor Squad discuss this week’s great and nutty episode below.

Will: We started last night’s episode with 13 women and left it with 6. I felt that this season was moving at an extraordinarily slow pace prior to last night. Perhaps I should have shut up and waited for greatness to happen.

Nick is clearly struggling to find someone he truly loves from this collection of women. It’s not the women’s fault, either: Nick just isn’t very compatible with any of them. That can happen when you select 30 random women, gorgeous as most are, and hope that someone who’s basically on a two-month blind date can find love. There’s a reason very few couples from this show last, you know.

Anyway, Kristina took her star turn last night. Her story is shattering. While I hadn’t considered it previously, she has a fair shot at a Final Four run. Most of these other women have struggles in the sense of average upper-middle-class “I made a C in Calculus II” struggles. Kristina’s backstory is brutal. I’m rooting for her as she seems to be a likable, kind human being.

Prior to that, Nick got rid of a lot of inconsequential contestants. I don’t remember a single thing about Josephine. I’m personally very sad that Alexis is gone because she is a wonderful human, but there wasn’t anything for Nick. I don’t remember who else got axed, which is appropriate. Whitney went home after a forced and boring two-on-one with Danielle L., who got dropped anyway. Neither one interested me in the slightest.

Shoutout to Jasmine imploding on national television. Also, shoutout to the worst group date ever, a freaking beach volleyball game between six women. Vulture has a great theory about why the group dates suck this year. I can’t really go into it because it’s slightly NSFW, but I can see it being true. Regardless of that, it’s probably the most successful episode of the season. I just can’t buy Nick as anything more than Average White Male.

Jon: Look, Nick is an idiot. No one disputes this. He’s done a lot of dumb things throughout his life (and the show), but maybe the dumbest thing he’s done is turning a six-person group date into a 3 on 3 sand volleyball game.

3 on 3 sand beach volleyball is tough, even for superior athletes like me. It’s hard to jump in sand. You have to play the wind while covering a lot of ground. It’s not a fun date for six people. It would’ve been a perfect group date at the beginning of the show for ten girls.

We all know this was just a cheap trick for creepy Nick to get these women in bikinis- SHOUTOUT TO VANESSA, what the hell are were you thinking Danielle M?! Nick could have made 10-12 women get in their bikini and had a good time, instead he picked six and had a terrible time.

The star of the episode, outside of the last 10 seconds of next week’s preview, was Jasmine, or Fake Gabrielle Union. She played it cool for a couple of weeks before letting the crazy come out in bold fashion. The insecurities of not getting enough attention were quickly trumped by the teased abuse of wanting to choke and beat up Nick (which she could definitely do) before desperately resorting back to the only way these women know how to communicate with Nick: sex. Fake Gabrielle Union opened her heart, teased sex and threatened violence. She then went home. Life comes at you fast.

Nick is struggling with his sexual intimacy. Is going on national television four times to sex women the best way to realize that you don’t really want to fall in love with a woman the best route to go? Probably not, but I haven’t seen the size of the check ABC cut him.

He’s down to six women, none of whom are the home-run he expected when he signed up for the show. He’s finally realized that he doesn’t like any of them. Cancelling the show after the Bouncy House episode and just enjoying a sexual getaway with Corinne was the move.

She has a heart of gold…but a ‘vagine’ that’s platinum.

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