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Animal Attack: This battle-to-the-death animal scenario is DICEY

There is never a dull moment on social media; one day you see videos of kids eating Tide Pods, then today we are presented with the most intriguing question we’ve had since being asked, “who will be Tennessee’s next football coach?”

There is a question swirling around the Twitterverse about choosing animals to defend you while the others try to kill you. This got us thinking about what combination we would want.

Jon Reed and Cody McClure from Talk Sports spend a good deal of time and analysis on the situation below, and 3&OUT’s Houston Kress and Davey Hudson even got in on the action. You can hear that here or click on the SoundCloud click at the end of the post.

Before you get my picks, I’m going to explain the choices and analysis for each animal.

Here are your choices: 50 eagles, 10 crocodiles, 3 grizzly bears, 7 bulls, 1 human with a gun, 15 wolves, 10,000 rats, fjve Gorillas and 4 lions. For the rules, you can only choose two to defend you, and the others are coming to kill you.

Some thoughts before we dive into the analysis: I’m assuming that each animal is going to protect me in this scenario. For example, let’s say I pick the human and he sees four lions and 15 wolves planning to attack, he could quickly run away and not look back. Or if I choose the rats, which would typically leave a lion alone in real life, would they fight a lion till death? So we are assuming my picks will stand there and fight to kill until death.

Now the analysis.

I’m immediately eliminating the seven bulls. Maybe the bulls are a sneaky bunch, and I’m sure they could do some real damage to a human, but four loins take out seven bulls with ease.

Moving on, the ten crocodiles can’t help me much unless I’m in the middle of water somewhere. Don’t get me wrong, crocs have a bite force of 2,960 pounds and can move at speeds of up to20 miles per hour, but (other than the bulls) I think the crocodiles are the weakest link.

Next, we have 15 wolves and four lions. Here is the deal about the wolves and lions — when attacking their prey, where do they aim? The neck area. Lions kill prey by compressing their teeth into the throat and neck area. The gorilla could pick the lion up and slam it on the ground and do it again before the lion could have a chance to take another plunge at the gorilla’s neck.

Gorillas are strong enough to tear away the paws of the lions and wolves and could easily crush their skulls. The wolves and lions are just no match for my five gorillas.

Grizzly bears vs. gorillas to make it to the final four. This one was tough, but I’m taking grizzly bears based on pure size. Gorillas can grow up to 6 feet tall and weight on average around 400 pounds. On the other hand, Grizzly bears can grow to be 10 feet tall and weigh around 800 pounds. The size outweighs the numbers for me.

So now we are down to the final four.

50 eagles, 10,000 rats, one human and three grizzly bears.

50 Eagles — The thought of having 50 eagles to protect you is that they could patrol a considerable amount of area. They will be able to alert you when an animal is getting close and can do some significant damage with their talons.
An eagle can reach speeds of 50 mph when gliding. When they decide to attack, they can reach speeds up to 99 mph on the dive.

Keep in mind that you would have 50 eagles. They could attack from above and are the ONLY animal that can fly. That has to be an advantage, right?

10,000 Rats – What can rats do? I don’t know the answer to that. However, I do have 10,000 of them. Surely if a lion has 200 or more rats biting on various parts of its body simultaneously, the rats would prevail.

1 Human – Okay, so this is the most significant mystery in the game. Does the man know how to shoot a gun? Better yet, has he ever trained with a gun? Is he a previous military sniper or a Kentucky redneck that thinks to hold a gun is cool?

Does he have unlimited ammo? Is it single shot or automatic? There are so many potential possibilities that go into picking my fellow human.

3 Grizzly Bears – As stated above, grizzly bears are massive. Standing at 10 feet tall, I would think they have paws the size of my head.

So here are my matchups in the final four: 50 eagles vs. 10,000 rats and one human vs. three grizzly bears.

I don’t think rats will be able to kill 50 eagles because eagles can fly, but that’s why I would have a human or 3 grizzly bears to help. However, the rats could be deadly. I mean, again, there are 10,000 of them.

Three Grizzly bears take the lone human in this matchup. Bears will fight, and there are no emotions involved. Plus when the eagles are diving down to claw me with their talons, the bears would be quick enough to kill them.

While this game is great to discuss, I don’t believe there is a right answer. I think I’m dead no matter what combination I choose.

But, I would go with the 10,000 rats based on numbers alone and the three grizzly bears because bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

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